Keith Lemon: The Film

In the last year or two Leigh Francis has risen to fame with his alter ego Keith Lemon. With not one but recently 2 tv series currently airing it’s safe to say he’s popular in Britain. So much so that Keith Lemon’s antics have finally hit the big screen. In a film which begs the question, WHY exactly is he as popular as he is?
Right from the beginning a loud groan escaped my lips as I found that Lionsgate studios, the people who brought us such films as the Saw franchise among many others had helped in the release of this film. Of course there were other, minor production companies who helped out but to think that Lionsgate offered money for this film to be not only made but released for our eyes to be scoured with was just too much to bear. Then the film started.
If you do intend on subjecting yourself to this film I must warn you that for 85 pain inducing minutes you will be ‘treated’ (Like in a hospital but without the anaesthetic) to crude and painful attempts at jokes alongside a half-arsed storyline as you see the origin story of Keith’s rise to fame.
The conclusion is without a doubt one of the worst I’ve ever seen but still at least a sigh of relief came when the credits finally began to roll. Although for you fans (of which there seems to be quite a few of. One of the great mysteries of the world.) there’s a gag take for you to indulge in whilst Keith pretty much narrates in between.
But before you hand your money over and give yourself this 85 minute torture just remember that I tried to warn you.



The Devil Inside

Before I begin I have to say that this probably won’t be an actual review. Instead it will be a warning, or a public service announcement if you will. Someone tried to warn me but I ignored them and saw this film anyway. An action which I believe I will regret to the end of my days.

The Devil Inside is a new found footage horror film (because apparently we don’t yet have enough) centred around exorcisms. The story is about Isabella Rossi, the daughter of Maria Rossi, who killed three people when Isabella was just a child. About twenty years later Isabella finds out that her mother killed these people during an exorcism. The whole film is set as a mockumentary as Isabella decides to visit Maria in Rome and find out more about her mother.

So, I’ll start with the good parts because believe it or not there are good parts to this film. Albeit only two. The scares are good. Not frequent enough but when they occur they do the job. And the performances are somewhat disturbing. The most notable of them being  Suzanne Crowly’s performance as Maria Rossi which at some points will send a shiver down your spine. But no matter how good the acting is I can 100% guarantee you that if you see this film you will leave disappointed.

For the whole 83 minutes of the film it’s almost as if the producers/directors etc don’t even know what type of film they are making. At some points it’s clearly a mockumentary with ‘interviews’ with Isabella and two priests she befriends. Yet at other times it’s a found footage film. And then there’s the end. I don’t want to spoil anything for you but I shall just leave you with this: When I saw this film it was the first time I’ve ever been in a cinema in which the whole audience left with the same feeling of their time having been wasted on such a pile of crap. How do I know they all felt like this? Because every single one of them booed after the frankly appalling ‘climax’ (for want of a better word). But don’t take my word for it. Take mine and everyone else who’s seen this film so far. If however you somehow find yourself trapped in a screening of this (or if, god forbid you watch it because you in fact WANT to) and find that you enjoyed it do leave a comment because quite frankly I can’t see this happening.

As the posters are saying, ‘this is the film the Vatican doesn’t want you to see’. And quite frankly I wholeheartedly agree.


Goon (2012)

OK lets get one thing out of the way before I begin. In a recent interview Seann William Scott announced that he believed Goon to be the best film he’s ever done. Now, the storyline. The aforementioned plays Doug Glatt, a dumb son of a very smart well respected family who inadvertently becomes a ice hocky player after showing his strength whilst watching a match. As he becomes more and more popular and finally respected in something in his life he soon becomes a semi-pro ice hocky player and gets to come face to face with a soon-to-be retiring professional. Whilst all this is happening we also have the usual sideline love story with Doug and Eva (Alison Pill – Scott Pilgrim vs The World).

Now, to explain what’s wrong with this film would take up far too much space and time which to be quite frank this film deserves none of. However let’s start with Doug. He’s supposed to be a loveable guy but he is in fact a stupid idiotic child inside a mans body. His role in the ice hockey team is that of the ‘Goon’ (bet ya can’t guess where the title came from) whose job it is to basically, and there is literally no other way of putting this, beat the crap out of the other team so that his team can score goals, or whatever they call it in ice hockey (I’m not sports literate). Now I’ve been told that this is an actual position in the real life game of ice hockey which seems absolutely positively absurd to me but hey-ho. Jay Baruchel, star of such not-brilliant-but-bearable films as The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and She’s Out of My League and the voice of Hiccup in Dreamwork’s How to Train Your Dragon has sunk to a new low as he not only stars but also co-writes this abomination. His role is probably the worst things in the film as he plays one of the crudest, annoying person you will ever set your eyes on.

Last but not least lets look at this obligatory sideline love story. Doug falls in love with Eva, a girl who is already in a relationship with somebody yet still makes out with Doug and basically falls in love with him as well. All the while we are supposed to feel sorry for her as she battles with herself to decide whether to end things with her boyfriend and go off with Doug or not. I’m sorry but this was the most ridiculous attempt at a love story I’ve ever seen. And I’ve sat through four Twilight movies.

In all, avoid this film as much as physically possible. If you see a poster for this film it is your duty as a human being to vomit in front of it. And if you want to watch Seann William Scott’s good films then rewatch American Pie.


The Oscar Nominations

OK so here we go. I’ve only been an avid fan of all things film for the last three or four years and last year I lost my Oscar virginity by nearly killing myself staying up around 48 hours in order to watch it in between work and school. After an agonizing day trying to get it clear in my head what films, actors etc deserved at least recognition for their work this past year. And so at 1.30pm GMT (5.30am in America. Why? Just Why?) I made sure I was sat in front of a computer watching the nominations being announced live.

So here’s just a selection of nominations the Academy got wrong this year:

Best Film

No Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Although this wasn’t my favourite of 2011 it was bloody well worth a nomination at the very least. If not for Rooney Mara’s incredible performance as Lisbeth Salander or Trent Raznor and Atticus Ross’ equally invigorating score then at least for Fincher’s superb directing. Here is a man who’s bought us such delights as Fight Club and The Social Network and with TGWTDT he proves yet again that he is one of the greatest directors of our time.

And please somebody explain to me what the fuck is The Tree Of Life doing in this category?

Best Actor

Where are Michael Fassbender and Ryan Gosling? Fassbender was phenomenal in Shame. Words cannot describe how great he was. And Gosling… while I confess I’m not a fan of Drive, it is clear to see that he has become one of the most talked about actors of 2011. I mean if the American Press Association can nominate him for a Golden Globe then why they hell can’t the Academy? And where is Dominic Cooper? His performance in the Devils Double was so utterly powerful that I have since forgiven him for annoying me for a whole year with Mama Mia. And so was his other performance. He did double the amount of work any of the nominated actors did in one film and yet doesn’t even get a mention!

Best Director

Again, were is Fincher? And again, why is Terence Malick getting praise for the pretentious piece of crap that is The Tree of Life?

Best Documentary

Senna. Where. Is. Senna? Why has the academy failed to notice such an awe inspiring film and such an interesting documentary? The sheer time an effort that went into making this is unimaginable. Going through literally tons of archive footage and recordings to mash together a film that will delight, inspire and entertain as well as keep you on the edge of your seat should surely get a nomination?

Andy Serkis

This is meant for the Best Actor section but in all honesty it needs a section of it’s own. In 2001 Serkis shyly approached audiences around the world starring as Gollum/Sméagol in the first intstallment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Except in the first film he only really has a cameo. The tiniest taste of what was to come in The Two Towers and The Return of The King. Ever since, his career has jumped higher and higher later playing King Kong and most recently in 2011 playing the role of Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, one of the best series reboots of recent years. And yet with these roles and more in his catalogue of character roles he has never yet recieved any recognition from the Academy. With no Golden Globes, no BAFTA and still no Oscar he is on his way to becoming one of the most underappreciated actors in the awards season. It seems that just because Serkis hardly speaks in RotPotA he is unworthy of a nomination for best actor. This is a horrible mistake. Serkis was one of, if not the best actor in that whole film and he did it all by playing an ape. This deserves recognition.


Anyway that’s me done for now. I’ll report back next month when hopefully all my angst will have died down and I will be able to appreciate the fact that Hugo received 11 nominations and that in 2011 a silent black and white film can still get 10 nominations.

Tom Six – 1 BBFC – 0

On June 7th 2011, the British Board of Film Classification announced the, frankly quite surprising news that they had decided to reject director Tom Six’s sequel to his cult hit The Human Centipede (2010) thus making it illegal to be sold or shown anywhere in the UK. How is this surprising you ask? It’s true that Six did say in interviews prior to filming The Human Centipede II: Full Sequencethat the first one would ‘look like My Little Pony in comparison’ but I don’t think anyone would have suspected the film to be completely banned. The BBFC aren’t really prone to banning films these days. They’ve moved on from the ‘good’ old days of the video nasties and stopped banning films left right and centre.

In the BBFC’s official statement to the press, they explained how they believed the film to be a ‘risk that harm is likely to be caused.’ And that’s just the tip of the iceberg in the Boards statement. Included in the page long explanation is spoilerific descriptions of scenes in the film which the Board found particularly worthy to warrant a good telling off and a ban.

Skip forward nearly four months, to October 6th when it was announced that the board had retreated from their previous statement that the film wouldn’t be able to be viewed legally even with cuts and decided to in fact rate it an 18 with 39 individual cuts adding up to a whopping 2 minutes and 37 seconds worth of footage. No news as of yet on whether or not the film will be getting a cinematic release (although, if it does I highly doubt the big cinema chains will be giving it a very large release) but a DVD release is definitely in the pipeline.

But the issue I have with this decision is not about the release. It’s the question of freedom. How is it that a film can be banned outright and be considered illegal to view in todays age? I mean I’d understand if it showed illegal footage such as how to make your own nuclear bomb. Obviously films of THAT nature should be banned. But The Human Centipede franchise, as it quite honestly has now become, is clearly fictional. It’s a horror film. And as Tom Six himself says ‘shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific?’. And if we are going to ban it here in Blighty, how is it that the film is given a release in Australia? Uncut as well! And in America. The film was even made in this very country and the Board had the audacity to try and ban it! Surely that is just taking away our freedom. Are we not allowed to choose what we want to watch any more? I understand some people don’t want to watch it but does that mean the people who are actually intrigued by how horrific a film like this could possibly be must be denied the right to see it whilst our American cousins are allowed?

I could very well just let it go now seeing as the Board has allowed it into the country. But why cut it? What could possibly be in those two minutes and 37 seconds that is just so unbearable? If anyone has seen the first Human Centipede film (and I’m just gonna assume here that the people who see the sequel will have seen the original) they will be very aware of the storyline and if the fact that the sequel could possibly be just as grotesque if not more than the original then how dumb must these people be? Is this country going back in time? Is it political correctness gone mad? Or is there method in the madness?