Goon (2012)

OK lets get one thing out of the way before I begin. In a recent interview Seann William Scott announced that he believed Goon to be the best film he’s ever done. Now, the storyline. The aforementioned plays Doug Glatt, a dumb son of a very smart well respected family who inadvertently becomes a ice hocky player after showing his strength whilst watching a match. As he becomes more and more popular and finally respected in something in his life he soon becomes a semi-pro ice hocky player and gets to come face to face with a soon-to-be retiring professional. Whilst all this is happening we also have the usual sideline love story with Doug and Eva (Alison Pill – Scott Pilgrim vs The World).

Now, to explain what’s wrong with this film would take up far too much space and time which to be quite frank this film deserves none of. However let’s start with Doug. He’s supposed to be a loveable guy but he is in fact a stupid idiotic child inside a mans body. His role in the ice hockey team is that of the ‘Goon’ (bet ya can’t guess where the title came from) whose job it is to basically, and there is literally no other way of putting this, beat the crap out of the other team so that his team can score goals, or whatever they call it in ice hockey (I’m not sports literate). Now I’ve been told that this is an actual position in the real life game of ice hockey which seems absolutely positively absurd to me but hey-ho. Jay Baruchel, star of such not-brilliant-but-bearable films as The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and She’s Out of My League and the voice of Hiccup in Dreamwork’s How to Train Your Dragon has sunk to a new low as he not only stars but also co-writes this abomination. His role is probably the worst things in the film as he plays one of the crudest, annoying person you will ever set your eyes on.

Last but not least lets look at this obligatory sideline love story. Doug falls in love with Eva, a girl who is already in a relationship with somebody yet still makes out with Doug and basically falls in love with him as well. All the while we are supposed to feel sorry for her as she battles with herself to decide whether to end things with her boyfriend and go off with Doug or not. I’m sorry but this was the most ridiculous attempt at a love story I’ve ever seen. And I’ve sat through four Twilight movies.

In all, avoid this film as much as physically possible. If you see a poster for this film it is your duty as a human being to vomit in front of it. And if you want to watch Seann William Scott’s good films then rewatch American Pie.

1/5

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